I want to catch her; that's what I want. I want to catch my muse. I want to become her, work through her, enjoy life through her. No more chasing her. I want to wrap a chain around her ankles, drag her down and beat her for abandoning me the last 5 years. Just kidding.
Anyway, it's a tall order and much work needs to be done for this to happen. Mental work, literal work work... Most of all, I need tons of strength and conviction. I foresee inevitable hardships, but I have some good people in my life that will see me through.
2010 kinda sucked. The one and only notable thing was getting full custody of my daughter, which is a big thing. But it comes with a new load of issues that need serious addressing this year.
Some things I can't do anything about just yet. With some things, I will just have to take a deep breath, and not let them slow me down. Mantras, anyone?? I could use a good few dozen.
Depression and self doubt/pity are two of my biggest non-tangible obstacles. It's such an unfortunate curse to be the type of person fully affected by surroundings and surrounding people. I'm at a great disadvantage because neither of these things are ideal at the moment. Ideal isn't even the right word. Absolutely screwed up is a better way of putting it.
I'm out of my element, with most of my belongings in another state in storage, a crummy car, strained love relationship, and was laid off. I am about to declare bankruptcy, still have 20k in student loans to pay on, with no forebearance options. I have my daughter to take care of. I can't even get work in my field because I'm behind in the technology....
It's a tough way to come into a year, but I have high hopes.
No matter what though, change HAS to come. I cannot keep this situation up.
This year I will meet people and become involved in groups.
I will get back to yoga
I will finally look good in a bikini
I will get back to most or all raw
I will stabilize my financial situation
I will save for a car
I will create art and start making money from it
I will be organized and driven
Funny, even as I sit here typing all this; believing in it fully, knowing it MUST be done for my mental well being, I want to go back to bed. The man I live with takes so much out of me. The fact that I'm shaky with my skills and I have jobs to do makes me stall.
Ok, enough of this post. The bottom line is that last year sucked. I screwed up my life. I now have my kid to take care of full time, and I gotta get it together. Get my happy back.
